THE DUKE OF SALZBURG
AND A RATHER PECULIAR,
(A dramatic sketch)
THE DUKE OF SALZBURG
The Duke’s Manor House. The Duke is leaning on the mantlepiece. The Commoner is sitting on a lavish sofa, playing Gameboy.
THE DUKE – I say, what a simply super day! Up for golf?
THE COMMONER – It’s raining.
THE DUKE – Oh please, do put a bit more effort into your feeble excuses. Deary me, it’s raining. Let’s go play some golf you sissy!
THE COMMONER – Would you like to remind me what happened to your good friend Fergus “Nipple” Wilson III?
THE DUKE – Why?
THE COMMONER – It’s a story with a moral.
THE DUKE – (after a pause) He got struck by lightning… while playing golf in a storm.
THE COMMONER – My point exactly.
THE DUKE – Where’s the moral?
THE COMMONER – The moral is that he is in a grave now.
THE DUKE – If there is any moral to this story then it certainly hasn’t got anything to do with weather but with his steadfast will and determination to play his favourite sport regardless of the elements.
THE COMMONER – He is dead.
THE DUKE – He is. And what a great man he was.
THE COMMONER – Not as great as the elements.
THE DUKE – Well what is death but a …
THE COMMONER – Oh, great. Here comes an epigram…
THE DUKE – Do you have a problem with epigrams?
THE COMMONER – No. Go ahead.
THE DUKE – What is death but … absence of life?
THE COMMONER – That was very deep.
THE DUKE – I know. Sometimes a spontaneous brainstorm in literary capacity will yield brilliant results if one feels inspired, of course. You should try it sometime.
THE COMMONER – I’m making a mental note.
THE DUKE – Ever wondered why he was called “Nipple?”
THE COMMONER – He liked nipples?
THE DUKE – No. He had gynaecomastia.
THE COMMONER – Thank you for putting that image in my mind.
THE DUKE – With extremely big nipples.
THE COMMONER – Thank you again.
THE DUKE – Flaccid, tired, bluish, dead… but quite large. Like the bells in some long forgotten countryside church. Sad, sad nipples.
THE COMMONER – I’m leaving.
THE DUKE – No, don’t go! Let’s do something, shall we? What is it you’d like to do then? Hm?
THE COMMONER – Play my Gameboy.
THE DUKE – I say, how boring! Shall we buy some slaves?
THE COMMONER – What?
THE DUKE – You know… slaves? Have some good old ass whipping fun!
THE COMMONER – We abolished slavery.
THE DUKE – (amazed) Oh… (displeased pause) When?!
THE COMMONER – A while ago.
THE DUKE – I say, what’s next? Give up India?
THE COMMONER – (coughs)