THE DUKE OF SALZBURG
AND THE RATHER PECULIAR
SETTING: THE DUKES’S STUDY
The Duke and The Commoner mid conversation.
DUKE. — I say, listen you… Why are you dressed as a woman?
COMMONER. — Am I?
DUKE. — Yes. You are wearing a skirt, your head is adorned with a rather tasteless plastic Chinese made halloween wig, your lips shine in pure rouge and your bosom is considerably larger than it used to be, so yes. You are dressed as woman. A rather ghastly grotesque spectacle indeed.
COMMONER. — Well, I suppose I am. You could say I moved to the other side.
DUKE. — The other side of what?
COMMONER. — The other side of the spectrum.
DUKE. — You are not making any sense.
COMMONER. — Hey, Duke. I am a free woman. I have my rights.
DUKE. — You’re a man.
COMMONER. — Man, yes, but very feminine.
The play suddenly changes to German for no apparent reason.
DUKE. — Also, was machen wir jetzt?
COMMONER. — Jetzt tanzen wir.
DUKE. — Was? Bist du total durchgeknallt?
Der Commoner fängt an zu tanzen.
COMMONER. — Los geht’s, Duke. Tanz mit mir.
DUKE. — Dieses Hörspiel hat keinen Sinn mehr.
COMMONER. — Ich bin eine Frau. Eine sehr schöne Frau. Mwa, mwa, mwa, mwa.
DUKE. — Genug! Ich werde an diesem Unsinn nicht mehr teilnehmen, das sage ich dir!
The play changes back to English.
COMMONER. — What? Don’t you love me for who I really am?
DUKE. — No. I don’t even know what is happening in this play! Where are the good old days when we went pheasant shooting? The good old times we read Shakespeare until late at night when all we could hear were the sounds of crickets and I am not talking about Ian Botham. What happened to all the times I was playing golf and you were just looking and admiring my technique? What happened to the rather peculiar, spectacularly daft and frightfully boorish commoner I used to love and adore.
COMMONER. — Duke, psst, come here.
DUKE. — No, I am not kissing you!
COMMONER. — Duke… I’m in disguise.
DUKE. — What?
COMMONER. — Yes. I am trying to infiltrate the fortress of the evil influencer king Ian Mascarpone Sparrow! And I can’t do it without a fitting disguise.
DUKE. — Ah, I see. It all makes sense now. Well I have a confession to make. I am wearing a mask as well.
COMMONER. — (surprised) NO!
DUKE. — Oh, yes. Yes indeed.
The Duke removes his mask only to reveal that he is in fact the INTERNATIONALLY FAMOUS ITALIAN PORNSTAR ROCCO SIFFREDI.
COMMONER. — WHAT?!
ROCCO. — Oh, yes, baby. You so beautiful. Let me see that ass.
COMMONER. — Get away from me!
ROCCO. — Oh, my god. How old are you baby? Where you come from? You nasty. Where you come from? Russia? Romania? Uuuu… spread that ass.
COMMONER. — Oh, dear! Help me!
ROCCO. — Why you cry? Hm? You so beautiful.
Rocco starts chasing The Commoner. When he catches him he takes advantage of him.